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this and this and this.

 fuck this. fuck emotions. no. there have been few people in this lifetime that i ever loved as much achilles loved patroclus. only two really.  and i hate myself because you were the first. i hate myself because you were the one that i could see even if i was blind and hear even if i was deaf. you were the one that let me recite shakespeare on your driveway and you were the one that left me incapable of walking past your house without feeling like i wanted to cry and break something at the same time.  i loved you. and that such a weird thing to say because i know i loved you. i KNOW i loved you. i just. you were the first person i ever loved. the first person i ever loved like this and you were so REAL. you were there. for a brief second we were achilles and patroclus and you were mine and i was yours.  this is so fucking stupid. you still make me dizzy. i still wish i’ll bump into you at the grocery store or see you driving up the hill to our neighborhood. i caught myself thinking ab
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Cracks in my walls

“Dear Thisbe, I wish there weren’t a wall. Love, Pyramus” Mon coeur, I have been reading again. This is both a good thing, and a bad thing. Reading means I am returning to my creative state, my happiness. It also means that I am being absorbed in my own head. “Dear Thisbe, I wish there weren’t a wall. Love, Pyramus” This phrase will not cease resonating with me. It can be found in the novel that I hastily completed last evening. The scrawling handwriting on the page looped together in such a way that I wanted to reach out and trace it with the tip of my finger. I wanted to. With every ounce of my soul, I wanted to reach into the page and grasp the words firmly in my cold hands. I want them to absorb into my flesh, and twine with my veins. I want them to sing songs to my bloodstream, and lull my aching heart to sleep.  Mon coeur, I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the tale of Thisbe and Pyramus. I cannot say that I am, I only know what I read in my books. My books told me that Thisbe
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Stars

They say that humans are made of the stuff of the stars. I don’t feel like a star. I feel like a teenager who gets picked on by her parents too often. A girl who has fallen in love but has started to feel like she’s overbearing. A kid who doesn’t know anything, but yearns to know something. I do what my parents tell me, I’m a good kid. When I do something wrong I try to fix it. My dad doesn’t bother with my emotions. My mom thinks I’m apathetic. I can see why, but I have proven to her time and time again that I am anything but. Recall the frigid morning of my freshman year of school, Mon Coeur. My best friend had just told me that her brother wanted to kill himself. I sunk to the floor of the locker room and cried for what felt like forever. I’ve never sobbed so hard. Remember when I felt like ending it all? The weight of the world was too heavy on my shoulders and I did not feel that I belonged anywhere but six feet under the ground. No sympathy got me through that time. My pare
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A feathering Beat

It took me so long to find my place, Mon Coeur. After three years, and a lot of struggling, I found them. They were right under my nose the entire time. I never bothered to look for them, though. They grew up with my brother, who doesn’t talk to them anymore. That's why I overlooked them. I thought I only needed him. That’s okay though, because now they exist with me, and we don't think I'd him. In March, I decided to chase the fluttering feeling of my heart and ask one of them to prom. We grew close after that, and I recently discovered that we’ve had the same feelings since February. It’s funny that this doesn’t feel like it did with my space angel. She was a different breed. I always felt that I needed to compete for her attention. With this one, I feel nothing like that.  It’s interesting to me that people always say that opposites attract. In this case, they definitely do. I am loud, I have opinions people don’t want to hear, I make myself known in a room full o
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A Familiar Feeling

I have been feeling rather nostalgic lately. It has been a long while since I updated you, and I'm so sorry, Mon Coeur. I am over the space angel. Her and the Human girl I called my friend were traitorous. I've had my fair share of toxic friendships. Those are only two. I will spare you the details, because I do not wish to relive them myself. It is better to forget, I believe. Though I am over it, I will say one thing about the space angel. If she were a goddess, she would be Aphrodite. Her beauty is unparalleled, and I despise myself for still considering her worthy of my time. A few months ago, late December I believe, I spoke about the fact that I was afraid of my new friends. I was afraid they would abandon me, or that they would leave me in the dust after their infatuation wore off. After all, I was the only female of the group. Now, in mid-june, I am pleased to say that they still love me. I still love them as well. Although I am the only girl of the group, they
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“We loved with a love that was more than love.” - Edgar Allan Poe

Last night was Friday. My brother and I have been angry. I have felt it coursing through me like a drug that never ceases. It brings a rush of adrenaline and a flood of emotion. Last night was Friday. I picked my brother up and we went to go get his takeout. We sat in the restaurant for ten minutes. We yelled at each other. There was a lot of yelling. Both of us were laughing, but we were angry. We were so mad we could have torn the world in half with one punch. He even said so himself. Both of us had tears in our eyes but still, we laughed. He laughed at my anger towards him, I laughed at his stupidity and him not telling me anything. We yelled for a long time. By the time we were back in the car, we were done. We were just laughing. There were no more tears, no more anger. Just a brother and sister who loved with a love that wasnt quite love. He may be out of my reach, but I can still love him.
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She.

My memories of you have been reduced to nothing more than the feeling of joy rushing through me. It is a hard thing to experience. I have grown so much with you by my side. I miss your laugh. I hear it sometimes in my head, when I am lost in my thoughts. It bothers me. God, you’re beautiful. You’re nowhere near perfect. I’ve known that for a long time. It doesn’t stop me from wanting you. God, I love you. I want you back in my life.
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